Doug's Page of Quotations

Picked from random sources and organized into categories so that I can find 'em when I need 'em.

Table of Contents

Religion and Theology

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.

The religion that is afraid of science dishoners God and commits suicide.

What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"

If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Common Sense and Advice

"You enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind, it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate--and quickly."

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.

The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Think today's interest rates are high? The Pilgrims borrowed $7000 from a London company of 70 investors in 1620, and devoted the next 23 years to repaying it at 43 percent.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like and do what you'd druther not.

Be self-reliant and your success is assured.

Women have climbed higher on the scale of virtue than man, and I have always believed that. But people say, and I believe it, that when they fall, women reach a level of baseness the the most vile men could not reach.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.


(Mostly uncatalogued, watch this space)

Ben Franklin was a little stout later in life and it was said that in Paris a young woman, tapping him on his protruding abdomen, said,"Dr. Franklin, if this were on a woman, we'd know what to think."
And Franklin replied,"Half an hour ago, Mademoiselle, it was on a woman, and now what do you think?"

Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on...

A personal injustice is stronger motivation than any instinct for philanthropy.

Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!

For economists, the real world is often a special case.

Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard).

It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.

I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

Are you any relation to your brother Marv?

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

Quotes by Specific People

Quotes by Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

Hello, I must be going.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Time wounds all heels.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quotes by Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"

Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information" I said, "I can't find my socks" She said, "They're behind the couch"

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile" I spent last summer folding it.

I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My friend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "The whole time"

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old" I said, "I'll wait"

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

I named my dog "Stay"... so I can say "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay."

One time right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and started reading...The guy said "What the hell are you doing? I said "Let me ask you a question...If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light, and then you turned your headlights on...would they do anything?" He said, "I don't know." I said "Forget it then, I don't want to work for you."

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down...I just have to fill in the rest.

Coming back from I crossed over the border...I was asked if had any firearms...I said, "What do you need?"

My watch is three hours fast and I can't fix it, so I'm going to move to New York.

I was on a ski lift with another one I knew...and he didn't say a word until we were half way up the mountain...then he said, "I haven't been skiing in ten years." I said "How come?" He said "I was in jail." I didn't say anything. He said, "You wanna know why?" I said, "Not really." He said, "I'll tell you anyway... I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel."

I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out now I can go 300 mp/h.

The power in my apartment went out the other night. I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around. I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli...sold #3 for $28 bucks.

What do batteries run on?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song...the guy who wrote that wrote everything.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums.

Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile...for a satellite picture.

I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company.

Once I worked for a natural organic health food store in Seattle, day a man walked in and said "If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?" I said, "I don't know...let me ask Tony."

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre...a one-way round-trip ticket... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday... that way you still have the weekend.

I got an answering machine for my, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up...they hear a recording of a busy signal. mind was time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said "Do you live around here often?" And she said, "You're wearing two different colored socks"...and I said, "I know, but to me they're the same, I go by thickness."

I have the oldest typewriter in the types in pencil.

I was walking my dog around my building on the ledge...a lot of people are afraid of heights...not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed... I have a Court Jester size bed... it's red and green, has bells on it...and the ends curl up.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

For more familiar quotations, phrases and proverbs traced to their sources, check out some of the following sites:

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Last updated 18 July, 1996